


Like A Kidney Stone

by CaptainAFAB



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: (except he's not a priest), Alternate Universe - Fleabag (TV) Fusion, Angst, BJ as Hot Priest, BJ wants what he can't have, Bittersweet Ending, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Clothed Sex, Confessions, Drinking & Talking, Frottage, Guilt, Hawkeye as Fleabag, Hawkeye wants to give it to him anyway, Infidelity, Kinda, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Talking In The Dark, self-sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAFAB/pseuds/CaptainAFAB
Summary: We’re gonna have sex.“I’m supposed to loveoneperson,” he says with mounting desperation.Oh my god, we’re gonna have sex.* * *Hawkeye shares his fears with BJ.BJ shares his guilt with Hawkeye.If you've seen Fleabag season 2 you'll have a pretty good idea of what to expect with this fic. If you haven't, that's okay but... you're in for a bittersweet ride, my friend.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	Like A Kidney Stone

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fleabag AU in the sense that the situations and most of the dialogue are pulled directly from the show and transferred to the 4077th (yes I realize the obvious thing to do would be to make this a hawkahy fic but it's my fantasy so there is no priest - only Infidelity~ and who knows? maybe one day I will write that fic too lol)  
> this is my very first MASH fic (and my first fic since 2015) so please be kind.  
> a very special thanks to my sister, who got me writing again, and to my friend [holograms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/holograms/pseuds/holograms) who cheered me on. this story would not exist without them.  
> love you all,  
> please enjoy ~

“You don’t understand.”

“Then tell me.”

“Frightened.”

“Of what?”

“Forgetting… things. Patients. People. Forgetting on purpose. And I’m ashamed of not knowing what I—”

“What you want?” BJ finishes for him. “It’s okay to not know what you want.”

“No, I know what I want,” Hawkeye says. “I know _exactly_ what I want right now.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s bad.”

“That’s okay.”

It’s dark and the tent flaps are down. It’s just the two of them here tonight. The only light inside comes from the faint glow of the moon through the mesh window on the door. Even so, Hawkeye stands by the still, pretending to tinker with the workings of it so he doesn’t have to look at BJ’s face. Beej is lying on his back in his cot sipping from a martini glass, just staring up at the ceiling of the tent.

“The truth is… I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.”

“I’m pretty sure they already—”

“No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning so I can throw it right back at them and wear whatever the fuck I want instead. I want someone to tell me what to eat so I can spit it in their face… to tell me what to like so I can hate it, what to hate so I can love it… what movie to watch over and over and over until I know it word for word and just the thought of seeing it again makes me sick…”

Hawk takes a deep breath, wishing that even the dim light of the moon would cloud over to hide him in complete darkness. He just wants Beej to understand.

“But really… I want someone to tell me what to joke about — what not to joke about — what to believe in, who to love and how to… tell them.” He sighs. “And even though I don’t believe any of this army bullshit is really helping anyone, and I know that nothing I do makes any goddamn difference in the end anyway — I'm still scared,” his voice breaks, tears flooding his eyes. _Scared that it’s all my fault. That there’s no one to blame but myself._ “Why am I still scared? So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Beej.”

Agonizing, complete, silence. It stretches on into the night, threatening to swallow Hawkeye whole. Finally, he cannot take it any longer. Ready for judgement, he turns to face him— 

“Kneel.”

BJ is standing mere inches away from him, having gotten up and closed the distance between them some time during Hawk’s speech. Hawkeye shudders and immediately does as he’s told, mind racing with the implications of what this means. He cranes his neck up to see a slight smile and the dark pools of Beej’s eyes. BJ momentarily confuses Hawkeye by slowly sinking to his knees in front of him, bringing them back to eye level. Beej reaches his hands out to lightly caress Hawk’s jaw, wiping a tear away with his thumb. He leans into the touch, endorphins waking up and singing praises in his head. 

Beej leans down then, pressing the lightest of kisses to Hawk’s lips. BJ pulls back just far enough that they can look at each other but not so far that Hawk can’t still feel Beej’s warm breath against his lips. Hawkeye pushes forward against him, rising up with BJ as they stand to their feet. Their kisses increase in passion the higher they go until BJ’s hand is pulling forcefully at the back of Hawk’s neck and they are both fully standing. 

They break apart so Hawk can say, “Why are you still wearing your gown?”

“Sorry, sorry,” BJ replies, pulling up the skirt of his surgical gown in a frenzied attempt to give Hawkeye access as quickly as possible. Hawk’s hands are on the waistband of BJ’s scrubs, tugging them down when— 

There is a crash and they leap apart in sudden fear. The picture of Peg and Erin that BJ keeps on the shelf by his cot has fallen to the ground.

They look at the frame, lying shattered on the ground, then at each other, still panting. Hawkeye chuckles nervously. It was only a picture frame. His smile disappears when he sees BJ’s face. Beej shakes his head heavily, touching his hand to his forehead. He walks toward the door and looks back at Hawk once before heading out into the cool night air, face in his hands.

_Fuck._

* * *

_You know that feeling when the Hot Marine who might not be good for you is turning up at the supply tent for the second time in 48 hours for some heavy petting that you don’t really want, just so you can do something to get your mind off the fact that the only person you want to see in the world is the bunkmate that you–_

A knock at the door. He exhales sharply, puts a hand on the doorknob, and steadies his feet.

_–So you pick yourself up, cover yourself in cologne, and hope he doesn’t mind that you still haven’t shaved your…_

He swings the door open and sees–

“Hey.” BJ smiles. 

_That’s not a marine._

“Am I interrupting anything?” Beej asks. “The hanger wasn’t on the door so…”

“Oh, no I just– I just got here.”

_I’ve only got underwear on under this robe._

“Okay, good.” He smiles again, peering just behind Hawkeye’s shoulder. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Hawk steps aside, dazed. BJ walks past him and glances around the tent. There is a wool blanket spread over the dingy cot in the corner. On a box beside it sits a flask and two martini glasses. Everything one needs for a romantic evening in supply.

_Oh god why is he here?_

“Nice set up you got here,” he remarks. 

“Ah, thank you,” Hawk replies with a forced grin. Not knowing what else to do, Hawkeye turns to grab a glass. “Drink?”

“No, thanks. I want to keep a clear head.” BJ pauses. “Uh, I’ve been thinking and I need to talk to you about what happened.” 

Hawkeye stops, fingers brushing the stem of the glass. Softly, he says “No, you don’t.” The smile he gives doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Beej looks at the floor. “I can’t lead you on like that... ”

“Who’s leading on?” He’s trying to keep it light to mask his emotions. “I’ve never been led on.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Hawk.”

Hawkeye hides his pain with sarcasm. “Oh, that’s good of you,” he says, eyes narrowed.

“I’ve sacrificed a lot because of this. You know?” BJ is defensive now. “I’ve given a lot of things up. But there are things I’m not prepared to lose. Um, so–” A knock sounds at the door _._ “Uh–”

Another knock, more insistent now.

_Oh shit._

“Do you want to get that?” BJ asks.

“Oh, no. I don’t like opening the door to people I don’t know,” he jokes.

Hawkeye winces when the Hot Marine calls out, “I’m baaaaack!” 

“Look, if you need to let him in I can–”

“No, honestly—it’s fine. Just ignore him. He’ll go away.”

Hawkeye shoves a crate of bandages with his foot, sending it sliding toward Beej, and gestures for him to take a seat. Hawkeye sits cross legged on the edge of the cot, facing him.

BJ sits. He softens and lets out a deep sigh. “When I was a child, I–”

The knocking resumes in the tune of ‘ _Shave and a haircut… two bits!’_

“Benji! I’m not leaving!” calls the voice from the other side of the door.

“Yeah, I’m just–” Hawkeye stands up quickly. He ignores BJ’s salacious mouthing of “Benji?”

“Knock, knock!”

“I’ll just be, um–” he calls over his shoulder as he briskly walks to the door.

_Not. Now._

“So you’re in trouble again, huh?” Hot Marine is leaning at an angle, one hand on the frame and the other on his hip. He is blocking any escape Hawkeye may have imagined for himself. He’s clearly doing his best to look sultry, which, to be fair, isn’t hard. He’s also clearly drunk. 

“Oh my god—listen. You can’t come in.”

“Oh, so you want to do it in the doorway? You naughty doctor.” He grins, a wild look in his eye.

_Shut up shut up shut up he can hear you._

“Uh, no my”—he searches for a word, settles on—“bunkmate”— _Bunkmate?_ —“is here. And he really needs some guidance.”

“What? Is he okay?”

“No.” Under his breath, he adds, “I’m hoping he’s having an emotional crisis.”

“Shall I wait?” _God, no._ “You said you wanted to see me.” 

“Yes, I did want to see you, but now I _don’t_ want to see you.”

“Did I do something wrong? You seemed to like what I did.”

“I did,” Hawkeye says. 

“I’m really good at it.”

BJ smiles to himself as he overhears their conversation. He stands up and leans forward to hear better. 

“Yes, I know, yeah,” Hawk says, impatiently.

“I’m _really_ good at it.”

“Yeah.”

_Will this man take a fucking hint?_

“I’m really–”

“Okay! You were really good at it!” It comes out more exasperated than he intended.

He pouts. “Well clearly I’m _not_ if you don't want it.”

Hawkeye rolls his eyes. “Oh, for God’s sake,” he says quickly, “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had.” 

“What?”

“You’re the best sex I’ve ever had,” he repeats. _Is that even true?_

“Really?” he beams. “Then… why don’t you want to?”

“I’m… all worn out. Couldn’t _possibly_ handle you again,” he emphasizes this by theatrically tossing his chin over his shoulder. When Hot Marine doesn’t respond, he adds for good measure, “I couldn’t even walk yesterday.”

Realization finally dawns in Hot Marine’s eyes. “Do you want me to go?”

 _Oh thank god._ “Yes, please do.”

“I could take this somewhere else.” He gestures to his muscular body.

“Oh, okay good. Good for them… whoever...” 

“...Couldn’t walk,” Hot Marine says softly, cupping his cheek. “You’re a saint.”

Hawk gives a tight-lipped smile accompanied by a quick nod as he watches him turn around and walk off.

_Finally._

Hawk shuts the door and turns back to Beej. “I’m sorry,” he says, putting distance between himself and the door. He stands across from BJ.

“That’s okay,” BJ says.

“That was–” Hawkeye starts.

“I won’t ask,” BJ chuckles, waving it off. He pauses, thinking. “Couldn’t walk?” he asks, furrowing his brow.

“I just had to get rid of him.”

“Sure,” Beej mutters. Then he takes a breath, clearly preparing himself to say something important.

_Damnit._

“I can’t be physical with you.”

“What, we can’t even wrestle?” Hawkeye makes the joke to hide his obvious disappointment.

Beej laughs, despite himself.

“Men have sex, you know. With each other,” he says, a fruitless effort to change BJ’s mind. He knows it won’t do him any good. “A lot of them actually do. They don’t burst into flames—I would know.” He gives an encouraging smile.

“It’s not that, Hawk.” BJ takes a breath. “I can’t have sex with you because I’ll fall in love with you.”

Hawkeye’s mind goes blank, mouth parted. This is not how he expected that sentence to end. Does Beej feel the same way? No. Not possible. Unless…?

BJ continues, “And if I fall in love with you… I won’t burst into flames, but… my life will be fucked.”

_We’re gonna have sex._

“I’m supposed to love _one_ person,” he says with mounting desperation.

_Oh my god, we’re gonna have sex._

“For fuck’s sake! Stop that!” he shouts. It’s like he can hear Hawk’s thoughts. Or maybe he’s just reacting to the sudden glee spreading across his face?

“I don’t think you want to be told what to do at all.” He points an accusatory finger at Hawkeye’s face. “I think you know exactly what you want to do. If you really wanted to be told what to do, you’d be wearing oak leaves!”

Hawkeye squints at him. He knows what Beej means, of course. The higher you rise in the army, the more you have to actually follow regulations. Still, he can’t help himself.

“Majors are actually–"

“Oh, fuck off! I know!” His fists are clenched at his sides.

Hawkeye laughs, an abrupt exhale that catches himself off guard a bit.

BJ looks desperate, disheveled, and maybe just a little bit angry. There is a pause, then he meets Hawk’s eyes.

“We’re gonna have sex, aren’t we?”

Hawkeye gives him a small smile and a nod.

“Yeah,” BJ says.

“Yeah,” Hawkeye agrees.

BJ nods back, a gentle resignation. “Okay.”

He steps forward and reaches out to undo the belt of Hawkeye’s dark red bathrobe. He opens it and sees…

“I–" Hawkeye starts to explain, slightly embarrassed, but Beej interrupts.

“Oh, whoa, okay. Uh…” BJ’s eyes take in his body, naked, save for his boxers.

“Listen, I had a–" Hawkeye tries again.

“No, no, no, no,” he says quickly, shushing him by pressing a finger to his own lips. He swallows audibly and takes a deep, shaking breath, looking over every inch of Hawk’s body.

Hawkeye can’t take it anymore. He steps forward to close the gap between them and kisses him. It’s gentle at first—he doesn’t linger. He pulls away to allow BJ the space to leave, to take it all back and walk out the door again. He can pretend none of this ever happened. It will be disappointing, sure, but what in life doesn’t disappoint you eventually?

_At least I’ll always have that kiss._

But BJ brings his hand up to cup Hawkeye’s left cheek and crushes his face against his. It’s an unexpectedly wanton energy that leaves Hawkeye breathless. The kiss is open mouthed, dangerous. They are gasping together, and he can’t believe this is really happening.

BJ pushes Hawkeye backward until he feels the softness of the cot under his feet. A sharp exhale. He revels in the feeling of BJ’s fingers twisting in his hair. He lets out a small, involuntary whimper when he feels Beej press his hips against his own. Hawkeye’s fingers move to the hem of BJ’s shirt in response, sliding underneath and pressing his palms flat against his belly. He splays his fingers out and slowly glides his hands up, feeling the soft hairs on his chest and pressing into the toned muscle of his trunk. Hawkeye gasps when Beej grinds into him and tugs on his hair. He pulls the shirt the rest of the way off, BJ helpfully lifting his arms and tossing it onto the floor. When he puts his hands back on Hawkeye again they land firmly on his hips. He indicates with the weight of his hands there that Hawk should lie down. BJ takes a moment to drink him in.

_He looks like he wants to eat me._

Hawkeye is lying back against the cot, resting on his elbows, tented boxer shorts still concealing the temptation beneath. He looks back up at Beej through half lidded eyes, breathing hard. 

_What is he waiting for? I want his hands on me again._

“Damn, you’re beautiful.”

“Look who’s talkin’,” Hawk replies. He’s taking in the sight of one shirtless BJ Hunnicutt, toned abs glistening ever so slightly with sweat. He hums low in his throat, appreciating the view. 

BJ smiles and he can’t hold back anymore. Bending down at the foot of the cot, he pushes Hawkeye fully onto his back. Hawk scrambles back to give BJ’s long body more room on top of him.

_Fuck, he’s tall._

BJ grinds down against his pelvis and the friction is everything he needs right now and somehow still not enough. Hawkeye wraps his arms around Beej’s bare, muscular back. He drags his nails down BJ’s shoulder blades in a way that makes Beej shiver and press down against him even harder. 

Hawkeye is breathing heavy. He feels BJ’s hardness against his own and–

_God, he feels good._

“If you don’t slow down this will be very disappointing for both of us,” Hawkeye warns, playfully. 

_Not kidding._

But Beej gets a devilish look in his eye. He’s only taking this as encouragement. He ruts up against Hawkeye until a damp spot blooms on his shorts. He can feel pressure building, a cool pleasure pooling in his gut. 

_The least he could do is take his pants off and let me–_

“You could never disappoint me, Hawk.”

And that’s all it takes. His body stiffens and he clutches Beej close, shuddering with bliss. BJ peppers his face with soft, gentle kisses until his wide eyes slowly fall closed.

“Mmm” is all he can say in response, dazed once more. Beej holds him there for a moment. Just breathing with him. Just holding him.

Once he catches his breath, Hawkeye reaches between them and slips his hand between BJ’s pants and boxers. He smiles at what he feels there.

_Impressive. This is going to be fun._

He palms BJ through the fabric of his shorts. He wants to go slow and make Beej feel just as good as he does. There’s all sorts of things he wants to do to him. Hawk never wants this to end. 

_I wonder if he’ll let me…_

But now BJ shudders and collapses on top of him, letting out a long moan. All Hawkeye can do is laugh. 

Afterward, he watches BJ’s bare back rise and fall with the sound of his soft breaths. He reaches out a hand and pets the back of his head, drawing a finger down his neck and rubbing light circles into the skin on his nape.

“What?” BJ asks dreamily.

Hawkeye chuckles softly in response.

“What’re ya thinkin about?”

“I just…”

“Go on.” BJ turns to look at him.

“I just…”

“Go on,” he encourages again.

Hawkeye chuckles once more, awe in his eyes.

“I just can’t believe you did that.”

Beej gives an almost disbelieving look, eyes squinting. “I know.” He shakes his head in wonder.

* * *

Once they’re back in the Swamp that night Hawkeye can’t help himself. He lowers the flaps and lets the darkness envelop them. He’s always been a self sabotager.

“So why did you?” 

BJ doesn’t need any clarification. He knows what Hawk is asking about. 

“She gave me permission.”

This bewilders Hawkeye. “That first night we… If she gave you permission, why didn’t you take it then?” _Take_ **_me_ ** _then?_

“Because I don’t— _didn’t_ —want to be that kind of guy. I thought—“ he cuts himself off with a sardonic laugh. “I thought I wouldn’t even _want_ to. And I didn’t! Never been tempted, don’t ya know!” BJ waggles his forefinger at Hawk to punctuate the joke, harkening back to that day in Radar’s office. “And it’s not like I even need sex. Nobody _needs_ sex.” 

_Well..._

“I mean self-abuse should be good enough for a war, right?”

“Police action,” Hawkeye mutters.

BJ rolls his eyes. “Meaningless sex might be all fun and games for _you_ but it really isn’t my style. Never has been. And since I certainly wasn’t going to find myself... _falling_ for anyone here... I told her it wouldn’t be a problem. I wouldn’t need it.” He shakes his head in frustration. “I was so damned _sure_ of it too.”

BJ gets up and walks to the still. He faces away from Hawkeye. It’s his turn now to speak into the darkness.

“Peg’s dad fought at the Western Front in the first World War. He was lonely and missing home so he fooled around.” BJ takes a deep breath. “But then he decided to write home about it… to relieve the guilt, I guess? Peg was learning how to read at the time so, when her mom got the letter, she had Peg read it out loud to the family.”

Hawkeye winces.

“Yeah.”

BJ unclamps the hemostat from the tubing of the still and lets the raw spirits flow, first into his glass and then a second. He turns and passes the second one to Hawk, then goes to sit on his cot at the other side of the tent. BJ takes a drink and says, “Her mom got real depressed after that. She loved her husband so much she didn’t want to live without him. But… having her private problems aired out for everyone to hear like that…Mill Valley’s a small place. Word got around fast. No one ever treated them the same. Her mom just couldn’t cope.”

“Did she…?” Hawkeye trails off, not wanting to say the words but knowing Beej will catch his meaning anyway.

“Kill herself? No. But she was never the same after that. Stopped going out, stopped interacting… Peg blamed herself, of course, for breaking the news. Even though she couldn’t have known.”

They sit in silence for a moment, feeling the weight of his words heavy around them. 

_He really does hate himself for it._

“Anyway.” BJ clears his throat. “Peg told herself it wasn’t what her father _did_ to her mother that was the problem, just the fact that he wrote home about it. She never wanted that to happen to us so… she gave me permission for… _meaningless sex_. ‘Do whatever you need to do,’ she told me. ‘Just so long as I never find out and you come back home to me.’” 

“So was it?”

“What?”

“Was it meaningless?”

“No.”

_And that’s the problem, isn’t it?_

Hawkeye wants to go to him, to take him in his arms and comfort him. To kiss the frown off his lips and turn the worry lines on his brow into laughter but—

_I’m the last thing he needs right now._

Instead, Hawkeye sits down next to him and places a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

_I’m not worth this much heartache._

“You know the worst thing is… that I fucking love you.” BJ is fighting tears now. “I love you.”

Hawk opens his mouth to respond but Beej cuts him off, “No, no, don’t.” He laughs softly. “No, let’s just leave that out there, just for a second, on its own.” He turns, finally, to face Hawk. He says again, “I love you.”

Hawk takes BJ’s hand, resting their interlaced fingers together on his thigh. He lets BJ rest his head against his shoulder and gives a sad smile as he says, “It’ll pass.”

**Author's Note:**

> [come talk to me on tumblr <3](https://captainafab.tumblr.com/)  
> don’t forget to comment! it fuels my soul~


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